I had tried to turn my rapist into someone special. I had found things to love, and even had a list of reasons for not breaking up with him. Believing that list was becoming harder and harder to do. Despite my lack of conviction of love, the primary reason we stayed together so long was because the 21 year-old me lacked the fundamental skills to break up.
It’s not real life, but I with love, Comicbook Crook can change. It’s not real life, but with love, Comicbook Crook can change. It’s not real life, but with love, Comicbook Crook can change.
I don’t know. My mantra was losing conviction.
I tried so hard.
I tried so hard to make him love me.
I tried so hard to love him.
I tried so hard to undo what he did in that hotel room.
I was tired. I was tired of trying. Comicbook Crook had his good points. And I firmly believed everyone deserves to be loved. (I believe that to this day.) I had tried to turn my rapist into someone special. I had found things to love, and even had a list of reasons for not breaking up with him. Believing that list was becoming harder and harder to do. Despite my lack of conviction of love, the primary reason we stayed together so long was because the 21 year-old me lacked the fundamental skills to break up.
I was at a loss for what to do. When confronting breaking up, many follow their heart. I couldn’t do that. I trusted the thing I understood most. I reasoned with my head and made a list.
By the time I was shipping Comicbook Crook Brownies in Box, I had already stopped working at summer camp to spend more time with my family before my move to Los Angeles. I stayed home and worked for my mom this summer as well.
My mom gave me the book 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives written by the incomparable Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Coming from my very liberal mother, you knew she was desperate. I read the book. While I didn’t agree with the conservative rhetoric or Schlessinger’s view point, there were truths that one could grab on to… like break up with idiot boyfriends.
I wasn’t keen hurting Comicbook Crook’s feelings and wasn’t quite sure I could stomach breaking up with him.
Maybe staying with him won’t be so bad. That way I won’t hurt his feelings.
He may have been dense, but he knew I wasn’t happy. He added to my summer reading list: Are You The One For Me by Barbara De Angelis, PhD. With conviction, he said, “It’s how my dad decided he should marry Jane. (She would never be a step-mother and only his dad’s second wife.)
I read two chapters.
One list, one book and two chapters of another, I had resolve with what I should do.
His July visit was around the corner and it coincided perfectly with his half-birthday. While most don’t celebrate half-birthdays, the Crook’s mother got him in the habit of celebrating them as his birthday is December 26. I was delighted, after a long search, I had finally found that blasted Transformers comic he had been looking for.
The visit was filled with ups and downs. Squabbles. Weirdness from him.
Did I ever mention Comicbook Crook like comics…. And sci-fi and fantasy? Well, he did. Xena: Warrior Princess was one of his favorite shows. In the early evening, in a moment of unquantifiable geekdome, he insisted on transforming his Nissan Altima into the ultimate fan car. To do this, he would pry the M & A off so the car read, Nissan Alti. He rationalized a true fan would appreciate the nod to Alti, (the Siberian Amazon Sameness that taught Xena her evil ways).
My parents held dinner.
Half an hour later, Crook still wasn’t done. Apparently, Nissan used some super strong glue for the letters on their car.
I was growing increasingly impatient with his behavior. He told me he wouldn’t come in until he had successfully pried the M & A off, so I left him outside while I ate dinner with my parents.
Eventually, he came in. We were already done.
The next day, Comicbook Crook kept trying to keep me to himself. I was annoyed.
My family graciously invites you to their home and this is how you act?
We had more conversations. I let him know I was dissatisfied. He assured me that this was just a bump in dating.
On his second to last night I took him to celebrate his half-birthday. Before dessert, I presented him with his (parting) gifts. While I had found and purchased most of the gifts before I convinced myself breaking up was necessary, the gifts in large part were to assuage my guilt.
At least I’m doing one nice last thing for him.
The next day, he had to go back home. While we were saying goodbye, he said he wanted to work on things. I blurted out, “I just can’t take it anymore.” And like that, it was over.
I was sad but deeply relieved I managed to get through breaking up with him. He drove away. I went inside to have dinner and told my parents what happened. They tried to be sympathetic, but I’m pretty sure I caught my mom smiling.
Mom had made her famous potato salad for the Crook’s visit. She’s accustomed to making it for a party, so as often happens if she makes it for the family of four, we had extra. I had two helpings and nothing more.
That night was a milestone. And with each forkful, I celebrated I was gaining myself back.
POTATO SALAD (for 4)
4 Organic Russet Potatoes
1/2 cup Mayonnaise
1/4 cup Balsamic Vinegar
1 tsp Salt
1/4 cup Purple Onion. (Purple onions are sweet, and add some extra color)
- Chop onion.
- Put onion in a bowl and mix in 1 teaspoon salt.
- Fill a large pot 3/4 full with cold water.
- Wash, Peel, and wash potatoes again.
- Put potatoes in cold water. This will help them from oxidizing.
- Slice potatoes down vertical axis and then again the wide way. Pieces should be approximately 1 inch square or larger, but roughly the same size.
- Put back in cold water.
- When all potatoes are cubed, cover pot, put on burner and set to medium heat.
- Cook 20 minutes.
- Put eggs in a small pot of cold water. Cook 8-10 minutes.
- Timer will go off.
- Check potatoes. They should be tender. If your fork doesn’t slide in easily or they still taste starchy cook slightly longer.
- The eggs should be done. You want them hard-boiled. Take a slotted spoon. Remove one egg and spin it.
- (If the egg does not spin, it’s not done and needs to be cooked more. This egg is done.)
- When potatoes are done drain into a colander.*
- When eggs are done, carefully pour out hot water and fill pot with cold water (to stop cooking process)
- Put potatoes in a large bowl. Let cool about 5 minutes.
- Add: ½ cup mayonnaise, ¼ cup balsamic vinegar, and salted onions. Gently mix.
- Peel eggs.
- Chop eggs into large pieces.
- Add eggs to potatoes. Gently mix.
- Cover and put in refrigerator.
I like catching the water from my potatoes so I can use it to for vegetable stock later.